Ugh, where do I start? I've dealt with anxiety for most of my life, at first my parents didn't know what it was...when I had my first full blown attack, it was so scary for my whole family, and ended in a trip to the ER. I don't usually talk about my anxiety alot, and most people are very surprised to find out I even have a problem, which can sometimes be at a disadvantage, because i'm so good at hiding these things, people don't take it seriously...case in point, my OB.
I saw my first "therapist" when I was 14..? She was okay, she was the one that first diagnosed me, and I liked her enough, although it seemed like most of my sessions we talked about her, and her family, I could tell you everything about her kids and dogs and her second divorce...ya, it wasn't all that great. But the main reason they decided to put me on meds was because I had started maintaining my own anxiety from cutting...i'm not going to go into it, but despite some of my other friends that went through a phase of cutting, I went into a full blown obsession, it was the only thing that calmed me down for years.
Then I went years without having a problem, I had been maintained on some medication for quite awhile, but things slowly got to being worse...the meds didn't seem to be working anymore, and it was hard for me to function normally, I can't deal with things without it being a spur of the moment thing...if I have time to think about something that's when things get bad, I mean BAD.
I started seeing a new Therapist last year, and she seems alot more knowledgeable and understanding, actually she said after hearing what my "normal" anxiety episode sounds like she can't believe that i'm a normal functioning human being, that someone with anxiety as severe as mine should not be where I am in my life...which is encouraging, but also sucks...it just re-affirms that it's THAT bad.
My biggest triggers are appointments, job interviews, flying, anything that deal with meeting with someone, having to answer questions, or something that's out of my regular routine.
This whole pregnancy my OB hasn't really taken the fact that my anxiety is at times debilitating...into consideration at all. I spent last year taking time to wean myself off of medication and try things naturally, the meds weren't working anyway, and when they put me on them being so young it wasn't even approved for someone my age with anxiety...however it is currently one of the hardest drugs as far as with drawl goes, to get off of (Oh joy!)
ANYWAY... what i'm getting at is that I met with a different doctor today, and I almost blacked out...which is my Classic anxiety ridden symptom...I usually get very faint, extreeeeemmely hot, woosey and then soon after i'm on the floor....I have learned to just speak up and say something before it gets to that point, because alot of times I will try to breath through it, and sometimes overcome the feeling (Which people don't usually notice) But none the less it's ridiculously embarrassing...and thats only why i'm writing about it here, is because while I dwell on this today, about how embarrassed I am....atleast talking about it makes me feel alittle better. The dr was ridiculously nice, and I tried to pretend that everything was fine, even though she was asking me about Joel's line of work, and nice small talk, and I had to interrupt and say "I'm sorry, I am feeling very flushed, I need to lay down...I'm sorry I have anxiety and am obviously not on medication right now" gaaaahhhh... I know, it doesn't sound that bad, but to me I just hate having to do something like that! So I guess i'll always be THAT girl that will almost pass out at any given moment...
Okay, well I know i'll probably forget about it by next appointment and i'll see my regular dr and be fine, but it's just so discouraging when you try everything to stop a panic attack from happening, but it doesn't help.
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