Anxiety sucks...

Ugh, where do I start? I've dealt with anxiety for most of my life, at first my parents didn't know what it was...when I had my first full blown attack, it was so scary for my whole family, and ended in a trip to the ER. I don't usually talk about my anxiety alot, and most people are very surprised to find out I even have a problem, which can sometimes be at a disadvantage, because i'm so good at hiding these things, people don't take it seriously...case in point, my OB.

I saw my first "therapist" when I was 14..? She was okay, she was the one that first diagnosed me, and I liked her enough, although it seemed like most of my sessions we talked about her, and her family, I could tell you everything about her kids and dogs and her second divorce...ya, it wasn't all that great. But the main reason they decided to put me on meds was because I had started maintaining my own anxiety from cutting...i'm not going to go into it, but despite some of my other friends that went through a phase of cutting, I went into a full blown obsession, it was the only thing that calmed me down for years.

Then I went years without having a problem, I had been maintained on some medication for quite awhile, but things slowly got to being worse...the meds didn't seem to be working anymore, and it was hard for me to function normally, I can't deal with things without it being a spur of the moment thing...if I have time to think about something that's when things get bad, I mean BAD.

I started seeing a new Therapist last year, and she seems alot more knowledgeable and understanding, actually she said after hearing what my "normal" anxiety episode sounds like she can't believe that i'm a normal functioning human being, that someone with anxiety as severe as mine should not be where I am in my life...which is encouraging, but also sucks...it just re-affirms that it's THAT bad.

My biggest triggers are appointments, job interviews, flying, anything that deal with meeting with someone, having to answer questions, or something that's out of my regular routine.

This whole pregnancy my OB hasn't really taken the fact that my anxiety is at times debilitating...into consideration at all. I spent last year taking time to wean myself off of medication and try things naturally, the meds weren't working anyway, and when they put me on them being so young it wasn't even approved for someone my age with anxiety...however it is currently one of the hardest drugs as far as with drawl goes, to get off of (Oh joy!)

ANYWAY... what i'm getting at is that I met with a different doctor today, and I almost blacked out...which is my Classic anxiety ridden symptom...I usually get very faint, extreeeeemmely hot, woosey and then soon after i'm on the floor....I have learned to just speak up and say something before it gets to that point, because alot of times I will try to breath through it, and sometimes overcome the feeling (Which people don't usually notice) But none the less it's ridiculously embarrassing...and thats only why i'm writing about it here, is because while I dwell on this today, about how embarrassed I am....atleast talking about it makes me feel alittle better.  The dr was ridiculously nice, and I tried to pretend that everything was fine, even though she was asking me about Joel's line of work, and nice small talk, and I had to interrupt and say "I'm sorry, I am feeling very flushed, I need to lay down...I'm sorry I have anxiety and am obviously not on medication right now" gaaaahhhh... I know, it doesn't sound that bad, but to me I just hate having to do something like that! So I guess i'll always be THAT girl that will almost pass out at any given moment...

Okay, well I know i'll probably forget about it by next appointment and i'll see my regular dr and be fine, but it's just so discouraging when you try everything to stop a panic attack from happening, but it doesn't help.

31 weeks...

My major complaint right now is the Acid Reflux...it is INSANE! Literally I can feel stomach acid 'bubbling' in the back of my throat, no matter what time of day it is, or what I ate or ANYTHING! And don't even TALK about sleeping!! How miserable! My hips hurt soooo bad, and I can't lay down or else I choke on my own stomach acid, so ridiculous! Besides that it's just getting bigger and uncomfortable, ya know, I guess that normal parts of pregnancy...haha, I'm so ready for this baby to come out!

These pictures are from sunday, but i'm just not in the mood to take any more today.

30 weeks

Crazy people out there...I just got back from the store, minding my own business...Now Joel says i'm being mean, but one of my biggest pet peeves is when store employees ask if i'm "finding everything okay" while i'm in the middle of doing something...Now I realize this is part of their job as far as being available to people and what not, but honestly...if I needed help, I would ask...if you would take the time to see that I am getting by just fine without help, than you would KNOW that Yes...I am finding things okay. I know I know, call me a bitch, it's not a big deal when ONE person asks you, but there are stores I have gone to, and I literally have been in the store no more than 10 minutes and 5 people have already asked me the same thing...I can't stand it! 

Well thats not what happened today, but even worse....Here I am with my stack of coupons...waddling up and down the aisles trying to get everything on my list. When I see out of the corner of my eye someone come up behind me and I hear "Miss?" I turn around and it's a guy...looks possibly homeless or on drugs, with dirty clothes on, holding a tall can of beer. I think I may have caught him off guard with my big pregnant belly and then I think he realized I was holding a stack of coupons, but regardless...he continues on asking if I have two dollars I could spare to give him....Now I soooo wish that I could be one of those fast thinking people who can come back with amazing answers to questions like that. I mean here I am, with a basket full of just the necessities that are needed to make a meal, that I decided on because of items that are on sale this week and what kind of coupons I could get, which took a good 3 hours to organize and will probably only save me about 2 bucks...So; No sir...I will not give you that money that I worked 3 hours to save, and give it to you to buy beer, when I would sooooo love a beer myself!! But no...I just smiled politely and said no.

Eh, anyway...30 weeks, seems so close yet so far away.

Everything is uncomfortable, it hurts to lay down, it hurts to stand, it hurts to sit, everything hurts. It hurts to breath, I can hardly eat, literally my meals are tiny little tidbits because everything is so smooshed together it's painful. I don't know how people do this!! I think the baby is laying sideways....I don't know how the heck he could lay up and down, theres no room!! So who knows how thats gonna go when it comes time to get him out, I really don't want a c-section, but you really can't deliver a baby sideways, so I guess we'll see...

Lots of kicks and moving and rolling around...somedays he'll be really quiet until about 7pm and then it's allllll night craziness. So weird. Joel got to feel him rolling around the other day, it was so funny to see the look on his face, it IS weird. 

Okay, well I guess that's enough talking for me for one day...

And silly Irisbug....

29 weeks...

Hello...doing good, the painting in the nursery is finished, just have to get the floor in this weekend, and the crib should be here shortly...I can't wait to get things into place!! I am sooo over being pregnant, I am so big and uncomfortable...my belly doesn't look that huge when i'm wearing clothes but when I get dressed or get into my pjs at night I look at my belly, and it's huge!! i can't believe it...and I can't believe it's going to get any bigger, but it is!

So I don't think we're going to go ahead with the extra ultrasound, it would be fun and put my mind at ease, but we just can't afford it right now...I went to the chiropractor to try and help with my nerve pain and they took my insurance card and all that, I figured they would have told me ahead of time if my insurance covered it or not, since they had me come 20 mins early...but no, it wasn't until after I left that they called and "by the way...your insurance doesn't cover that" UGH! so that's like $100 down the drain...I mean it helped with the stabbing pain, but STILL, I wouldn't have gone if I would have known...The nurse practitioner today was trying to think of ways to write it off as something different, but I feel weird calling and asking if they would do that...Then she had me talk to the office manager about my insurance and the lady told me I should apply for Medicaid, since all it can do at this point is help, and she says with all the crap i've been through I deserve it...so we're going to fill everything out tonight and see if we can get any additional help, atleast until the baby comes. ANYWAY...I think that's all...I got my hair cut short today, I love it, I love my summer hair cut, its just so easy!!

Oh, and so I did gain some weight, about 4 pounds!! Baby was good and kicking around today, the indigestion is back, with revenge...I woke up last night with literally stomach acid pooled in the back of my throat, I could just feel it gurgling back there...I slept sitting up, but it was still sooo horrible, and now it's just allll the time, after I eat, when I don't eat, when I am eating....it's so stupid! Dr told me to try some Mylanta and if it didn't help they would prescribe me something because it's so awful. jeez!!

Today

I took it easy today, Jessie came over yesterday and showed me how to paint some things, so today my mom came over and we really knocked it out on the nursery, and I LOVE it!! I can't believe how wonderful it all came out, at first I was worried about it coming out and looking like a stupid over done thing, but I reallly realllly like it, and i'm excited to get all the furniture and stuff in there and have the floor done and get this baby out!! I am sooo ready to be done being pregnant. I just want to meet this baby already, those fears of something being wrong have come back, I really went through it in the first 3-4 months I would say, worrying about birth defects and that things I was doing would cause him to be mentally disabled or something, and then I got over it and accepted that he was going to be healthy and all that good stuff...but now it's come back, it's so unhealthy and I feel so ashamed that I feel like this, but I can't help it, my mom keeps telling me its normal, but that I just need to stop it...so i'm working on that.

Anyway, enough about the emotional, stupid hormonal stuff... :-) On to happy pictures!!

 iris sleeping...

 Pretty lady!

 Animals!!...

Almost finished....!

Worst friend Ever.

I know I over think things...It's gotten worse since i've been pregnant, but I feel like i've been letting everyone down lately. When I quit my job I let my family down financially, Just being in the first month of me not having a job really sucks, not to mention the insurance we're going to have to start paying out the ass just so we can both be covered...

I can't make up my mind either...I feel like a jerkface, Months ago I asked my friend to paint some of her adorable animal critters up on the wall in the nursery, I was totally stoked for it...then I saw things laid out on the walls and I was less stoked on it....but I decided to move some things around and then I was stoked again, Well until yesterday, when I decided that I didn't like it anymore, and was getting impatient that things weren't moving along....and so I told her that we could just stay with the whale and I could decorate with just whale things, and I thought that it would look cute with just the whale, but not too over the top...And I felt bad because she had already bought all the paint to do the other animals....UNTIL today, When I moved around some things and set up the pack n' play that my sister got me, and it has all sorts of cute little animals on it, and the little jungle gym thing, all the animals!! And with everything set up in there, I decided all the other animals wouldn't be bad afterall, and it would probably work better, because I have elephants and whales, and other critters that are adorable and I could decorate with....SOOOOooooo... Here I am again, being the most annoying person she's probably ever dealt with. I feel bad mostly because she's taking time out of her days off and busy schedule to come do all this, and I can't make up my mind!

I seriously feel like i'm just pissing everybody off...Is this normal for pregnant people?! I sure hope so, I don't think i've ever been more un-decisive in my life!

28 weeks..

I swear if I didn't have this app on my phone I would loose count how many weeks I am...at first it's really easy, then it starts getting into the 20's and things just get confusing. Anyway...it's getting harder to move around, I swear I don't know how the heck i'm going to fit any more baby in here...I feel like i'm suffocating! The stretched nerve has been burning soooo horribly...I'm just waiting to get my insurance information and then i'm headed to the chiropractor...not to mention I started having sciatic nerve pain today, my whole right leg hurts sooo bad! The heartburn comes and goes...but other than being achy and uncomfortable everywhere...nothing much to complain about. hah.

It's suppose to be 66 degrees here on friday!! I'm sooo excited, I need some serious vitamin D therapy. Tomorrow Joel and I are going for our official Hospital tour, my mom and I went by last week and walked around, but we're going in for the official thing tomorrow, so that should be good to be able to see everything...

So we're trying to be extremely good with our money as of now, we don't have alot to throw around willy nilly, but I really wanted to get the 4D ultrasound...as stupid as it sounds, the pictures we got from our 20 week ultrasound were horrible...we didn't even get to see a profile of him you know the "classic profile picture" that everyone has in their scrap books...? Yah, we didn't get that, we got a creepy skeletor picture, not to mention none of the other views were very good at all, I think theres one where you can see his feet and then she took a ton of his penis, which is weird, because you can't really tell what or where anything is...I mean I realize that if they saw anything deformed, they probably would have informed me by now, but I was and still is not very comforted by the fact we didn't get a single good picture.....So, I'm gonna go ahead and use the excuse of our anniversary and that its our first baby, and we're gonna go ahead and do it...You have to wait until after 29 weeks, which will be good anyway because our anniversary isn't until the 20th, so anyway....I hope that we get some cute pictures of our baby and hes not some deformed monster...!

11 things about me...

Seems like everyone is doing this...even though I wasn't tagged, i'm gonna do it cuz I want to, I won't tag anyone else, but feel free to have some fun too!!

There are five rules:

1. Post these rules.

2. Post a photo of yourself and 11 random things.

3. Answer the questions set for you in the original post.

4. Create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them.

5. Go to their blog/twitter and tell them you've tagged them.

Let's go!

11 Random Things:

1. I have a weird fascination with serial killers...I think it all started when I was a kid, my mom loved watching "unsolved mysteries", and other shows like that, and even though sometimes I couldn't sleep at night, I was so fascinated, the first serial killer book I bought was at a used book store in Minnesota when I was spending time with my sister who was in school, I ended up buying it for the ride home, and I never looked back! 

2. I always wanted to be a paleontologist growing up...I thought dinosaurs were so cool, and had pictures plastered all over my room. Digging up dinosaur bones sounded like so much fun...until I found out you have to spend time out in the sun and dust, then I changed my mind.

3. I always wanted a golden retriever as my first dog, when I was a little girl we used to visit some family friends and they had two goldens named burt and ernie, and they were the sweetest dogs in the world, I was obsessed! It still wasn't until I couldn't find one for under $500 that I decided to just adopt a mutt from the shelter.

4. I'm a very picky eater...I don't like onions and I don't like trying new things, I have gotten alittle better since i've grown up, but I still find myself ordering the same thing at restaurants just because I know it's something i've had before and it's safe.

5. My ears used to be stretched to 00g...but they've closed up!! I have stretched my ears at least three different times up to 00g and then let them shrink back...I wear normal earrings with no problem, but I could easily fit a 6g plug into my ear at any time.

6. I was in ballet when I was younger, and i've always looked back and regretted quitting it when I did....I even went back when I was 16 and tried again, but they don't have any classes for adults here in the little city, so i was in a class with a bunch of 8 year olds....I realize my body shape is not even close to what is acceptable for ballet, but I still think it would be fun to dance.

7. I had mono when I was 14, it was so severe I was pulled out of school and homeschooled, it was my freshman year of highschool, and it was awful...I got it from this girl I didn't even like, in my science class, drinking from her soda can...So now I don't share things with people unless it's family or close friends.

8. I've always wanted to visit Fiji...It used to be a cannibalistic island..(which first got me fascinated) but if I ever won the lottery, that's the first place I would go..

9. I hate snakes! ew, ew, ew. I don't know how it all started, but the earliest memory I have of actually hating them, is when the family went to reptile gardens when I was a small child and I remember snakes on the ground everywhere (My mind is probably exaggerating now) and I remember having a nightmare about being in a room full of glass boxes filled with snakes. They terrify me, I worked with them out at the zoo, and not one day went by I didn't have a horrible nightmare or was sooo scared. I don't mind lizards however..

10. I hate the feeling of lotion or conditioner...something about being soft like that weirds me out...if I have to put lotion on my body, or hands i'll put it on the outside of my hands and wipe my palms, if I have to put it somewhere else i'll slather it on, and then wash the rest off my hands, I hate the feeling of it.

11. I miss drinking beer the most since i've been pregnant...all I want is to take a nice cold refreshing drink of an ice cold beer...*sigh*

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

And here are my 11 questions for the gals I tag!

1. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?

No, I can't say that I do..I have a hard time believing in things that I don't have proof for, so......

2. If you could teleport to any time and place, where would you go and why?

If I could go back in time and marry John Denver, I probably would.

3. What are the three closest items to you right now?

My phone, my computer, and the remotes for the tv.

4. If you had a spirit animal, what would it be?

I think it's a blue whale...I often have dreams where i'm swimming in the depths of the ocean and it's so soothing and relaxing, whales are just such amazing animals..

5. What is your earliest childhood memory?

Hmm, gosh I don't really know, I have a problem with thinking about things so much that I start believing they're true, which I think is the case with alot of my "memories"

6. Where do you hope to see yourself in 5 years?

Feeling safe and secure financially and emotionally with my lovely little family.

7. Have you kept in touch with your childhood best friend(s)?

I've kept in touch with alot of them, I do keep in touch with my very bestest friend, but not nearly as much and I wish we did.

 

8. If you had to describe yourself in 5 words, what would they be?

Thoughtful, Caring, Spontaneous, Pregnant, Understanding.

9. Describe your idea of a perfect day: Where would you go, what would you do, who would you do it with?

Going on a lovely walk out along the river with my pupper dog and husband, that sounds really nice right about now.

10. What kind of "weird" foods do you like? (They could just be weird to your friends/family, kind of like my pickle sickles!) I don't know if I eat anything 'weird' remember...i'm a picky eater, I do love me pickles and sauerkraut.

11. Do you collect anything? If so, what? 

I have found that I am a collector of many things....my original collection is squished pennies, I have a TON of them, and most people I know remember it's something I collect, so I've acquired many through out the years...I also collect anything that has to do with elephants or whales.