Google search: how to find a therapist.

 Literally 90% of the people I work with right now see therapists. It is something I thought about wanting to do for so long, but it scares me. I saw a "counselor" when I was younger, and it was miserable. I could never be honest with her, because if I told her something her or my parents didn't like, she would obviously tell my parents. So I really learned how to just not tell all the details....and that totally carries into my grown life now, I don't tell my doctors anything they don't want to hear. And I know its bad, and you should be honest with your doctors, but I still have the feeling of "getting in trouble" See where i'm going with this?? I need help, I need to talk to someone about all the things I can't tell everyone else.

Hank the vicious doggo

 We had an 'extremely aggressive' dog named Hank come in for a public neuter today, he was allegedly a Rott mix and "atleast 80 lbs" What walked in today was a shepherd mix looking doggo that was 60ish pounds at best. He was muzzled coming in and so we were ready for him, he pre-sedated him with a pretty hefty dose, I asked if the owner were comfortable holding him while I sedated him and then did great loving on him. They tucked him into his kennel and the sedative worked great. He never growled once, and was most definitely not aggressive towards us. But no shame to the owners because animals act completely differently when they are in different environments...anyway we have had SO many angry animals named Hank now, and I always tell them that is not allowed.  

Animal abortion...

 Hopefully my mom isn't reading this, and if you are.....sorry, here we are. The brains of my life are here now.....sorry about the title, but is a daily occurrence. We aborted 11 kitten fetuses today...and while people get a pit in the stomach about that...I get it, I do, i'm not a totally heartless piece of shit contrary to popular belief....BUT, even in private practice we aborted fetuses that were not far enough along to know about, or accidental....allllllll the time. I also saw poorly bred dogs that didn't need to make more babies for this world. That were PURPOSELY bred!! UGH...I have seen it from both sides, seriously.....but as working at the shelter, the biggest thing that we can do as an organization is NOT make more animals with all of those poor animals that don't have homes and roaming the streets....I get it, people puppies and kittens are cute...but just like un-wanted kids in the foster system, etc...like COME ON...we don't need more animals in this world....So anyway, slight context we had a stray pregnant cat come in today....and basically she has 72 hours for "evacuate" those tenants before we spay her and essentially say "goodbye" to her babies....this is life, this is shelter life, this is veterinary life, and unfortunately people just don't love it. I don't either, but I try to disconnect myself from the tiny lives, ya know? Anyway, thats all.

I'm failing at this....

 I seem to be failing at journaling and I was going to try so hard at this health challenge this month! UGH, just reminds me that I often forget about myself and the normal things I need to do in life...Work is something that takes my mind off of everyday things, and when i'm off work I like to just melt my brain watching terrible tv and movies and catching up on senseless social media. How exciting...we had another foreign body dog that came in thursday night, I nursed him all day friday and he was seeming to be alot better. Ate a meal for me, drank water was bright and alert when I left. The tech working saturday said he was very sad and lethargic when she showed up. They ended up doing surgery, and the dog coded during recovery....CPR was administered, but was not successful. Poor pup, atleast he had some love and care before he passed, which is really all I could hope for in that situation. Anyway, life and things....

Things and stuff

 Just added to the ranting from a few days ago....vet techs don't get enough recognition. I just learned today that my co-worker, who overall has less veterinary experience than me, is not licensed, and will potentially be offered a lead position, makes more money than me. Not to mention her attendance and the amount of times she has been late to work is just astounding....and maybe, no definitely....I was raised different. I hold myself to an absolute different standard...I am not late, I literally would be dying outside and crawl myself into work on time...punctuality when it comes to work has always been insanely ingrained in my head as being like the first thing anyone notices....now has this held true through my life/career?? Absolutely not, my boss is late most days....frustrating?! ab so fricking lutely!! Like when did showing up on time, not become important?! 

Anyway, Vet tech is not a protected title and it probably won't be in the forseeable future. So like Nurses, you can't call yourself a nurse unless you've had formal training/passed a test. Certified Nurse assistant, Registered Nurse, Licensed Practical nurse....etc. You can't just call yourself a nurse without having some credentials....unlike being a Veterinary technician....You can call yourself  a veterinary technician for On the job training, or just working at a clinic for two seconds...nobody cares, and being "Licensed" also doesn't matter, because the title just isn't regulated, so nobody care or knows what being Licensed, certified, etc entails....

Thoughts and words, I am also listening to my ten year old talk about things, so I can't form my ideas/thoughts appropriately. 

Well yea....

 Journaling is hard on days that I don't work, because I don't do much on my days off. I am very much a home body that cleans or runs errands, or just sits around and does nothing on my days off. It snowed today too, so I didn't want to go do anything. Joel went to work and then came home with the day off. We ended up meeting some of the guys downtown for lunch and then I took a nap and did some CE for work. Joel went to take Hank to get his hair cut. YUP...oh yea today is valentines day. Meh, I'm feeling like poop today, probably haven't been eating that great lately....

Because

 I didn't forget to journal yesterday. I just didn't feel like it, tough...whatever, it happens. Anyway, wasn't supposed to work today, but got a text first thing in the morning for a sick co-worker.... So I worked a half shift, and then just stayed on call for the rest of the day, but they didn't need me. So cool...But I have the next two days off. So theres that, I have a hard time having more than two days off in a row...I feel like I miss so much at work, and I hate it. I like to know whats happening and be involved...especially when there are special cases and what not. I did an "interview" this evening with co-worker who is becoming at "euthanasia specialist"? I don't know if thats exactly what it's called, but whatevs, I had a chance to share Mateo's story and behavioral euthanasia, which is still such a taboo subject. Anything I can do to help...

Adulting

 Why the heck did they never teach us how to do taxes in school? Ugh, it seems like one of those missed opportunities...OR like anything else adult like for that matter...its so hard for me to appreciate all the things Hank is being taught in school when I know that he most likely won't be using any of those things in real life...

Today....

 Isn't life so fucking funny? I remember being still a teenager in minnesota and blogging on myspace everyday like my day to day mattered to anyone. These days, just making it to the grocery store, or vacuuming my house is like a gold star. I am 35 years old and I still have dreams about not being able to graduate highschool, or most recently not owning a house and living with my parents. So crazy how your brain works like this....when I wake up everything is always so real. Sometimes I wake up super paranoid that I didn't graduate...like what the fuck? Haha...anyway, I am an adult that has a house and owns two cars and takes care of a 10 year old human being....all strange but true. 

Fun times, tomorrow gonna clean the house, pick up my fluffy nephew for play time in the afternoon. This weekend have my niece over for a sleep over. All the fun things. 

Stardate...020823

 We lost a patient today. Was a small pup, that came in emaciated and was actually the reason I started the whole vet tech journey talk that I did on saturday....When he came in as a stray, a staff member -insisted- he smelled like "parvo", as a vet tech...I  take all symptoms into consideration before just saying, wow, this smells bad....I took vitals, symptoms all into consideration and to me testing him for something was a waste of the shelters money...Just basing a diagnosis off of a smell is not good enough for me..... Anyway, my decision was ignored/not taken into consideration and while frustrated I went on about my day....tested the pup which came back negative (because even if he HAD parvo, he wouldn't have tested positive without symptoms starting anyway....)Well ends up the pup has a foreign body that probably had been there for quite some time before even coming into the shelter. He was very very skinny, not super hungry...but was still eating, drinking...not vomiting (Which is typically a tell tale sign of a foreign body) I got him to eat a stale dry treat on Saturday, He was alert, responsive....depressed, but the poor child was so skinny and de-hydrated. So we supported him with fluids, offered him super tasty food, gave him anti-nausea meds, etc....He was very nervous and not very trusting, but friday I spent my lunch time sharing my chicken with him, and he ate it off a fork, he was such a brave, sweet boy that just didn't know love i think. Yesterday we took more x-rays and it was hard to tell what was going on in his abdomen, we gave him barium, tried to get him to eat more chicken. He seemed to eat a small amount overnight.

When I got there this morning, he was bright and alert, greeted me at the door of the kennel. I took him out to go to the bathroom since he hadn't passed stool in the entire time he had been there. He wagged his tail this morning when I greeted him and he walked with me out to the grass yard. He went potty like the best boy and I gave him loves and scritches....he still didn't poop. We took another xray and could see that the barium had not gone through his digestive tract at all.....we immediately prepped him for surgery. 

The foreign body was cloth in form, it was in his stomach, but had traveled into his intestine...bunching everything together, and making it all necrotic, he was rotting from the inside. The doctor removed as much as she could but my coworker that was watching the surgery said everytime she removed a section the next section would die, and it just kept going.....we gave him a wish and a prayer and hoped that as a young pup he would bounce back after all this pain and agony and we could nurse him back to health. Before he even woke up I offered to take him home and hospice care him with his IV catheter and Pump, and administer controlled drugs through out the night and In the case he starts to crash Euthanize him and put him out of his misery....

unfortunately he never made it that far....we had him on a CRI of pain meds, but he woke from surgery and just started crashing. He passed away, hopefully pain free. But it was a hard one, I wanted so bad for him to bounce back. I gave him so many hugs and loves and told him he was a good boy...and thats what I do for every patient I have. 

Stardate today...

 Today was a normal day, not good, not bad. Tegan has been pacing everynight for atleast the last two nights. Its exhausting, usually it was something that she did when there are thunderstorms or something going on during the night. But besides maybe alittle wind we can't figure out why she's being a jerk...it's been exhausting though, her getting up and pacing around every hour on the hour....I've been soooo tired. But work was good, it was a slow day, we did public animals...hopefully kitten season will be picking up soon and will have more surgeries to do. It has been slow around work, which we try not to say outloud, but it always happens....I got Tegan a new CBD oil to try tonight, she just hasn't had the effects I was hoping with her anxiety lately. She is just the worst, and the problem is Its getting work the older she gets....

Anyway, plated cribbage with the boys tonight, i came in second....I know thats not a thing, but i'm claiming it. haha! 

Stardate who cares....

 OK, nothing crazy today, gonna take a break from telling my tech story. Doesn't seem relevant today other than, its just my everyday thing. Had surgery on all cats today, which is typically a pretty easy day. Did a neuter on a bunny...I miss my buns. Such sweet critters. I love on them all the time when they come into the shelter. We have a doggo in right now that came in as a stray, poor little guy is very skinny and doesn't trust anybody. I sat in there during lunch today and offered him some of my leftover chicken I warmed up in the microwave....he appreciated it. Worked with my not most favorite person today...she was tolerable. I just don't get someone who thrives off so much drama...I literally come home from work, get in the shower...and put my PJ's on...The only days I actually get dressed are on my days off. Otherwise it's scrubs and then PJ's....no in between. OK, that's all i'm gonna journal about today.-Chanda

Stardate 020523 part two of becoming a vet tech

 OK....so I graduate tech school and go back to the clinic my life started at. The veterinarian and the staff I had grown up with were so happy, supportive, just everyone was so proud of me. I got to do all the things, learning new things, new responsibilities...I gave my heart and soul into work. Coming into work sick, covering for anyone and everyone. Never missing work, working overtime all the time....*brief pause* I recently found some old paystubs from back when I was making $10 an hour...and I was working 98-110 hours per pay period that I was making BANK...even though I got paid shit, honestly those days I was working so much, I was making so much money compared to nowadays working a normal(ish) shift work and making (a tiny amount (really)) of money.... 

I saw everything, every insane injury, surgeries that were experimental, chemotherapy for dogs, lab work...everything. Everyday was a new day, it was amazing and I loved it. But the DRAMA...the fucking drama that those ladies created, it held on to me. I had such a hard time in school with drama....I grew up with a whole gaggle of girls that were the "popular" girls, and I went through phases where I was "IN" with them and then when I wasn't, regardless keeping close friendships with those girls and not hurting feelings, etc...was very time consuming and emotionally taxing on me. So I quit having close friends, I was just friends with everyone, but no one took presidence over anyone else, because maintaining those relationships and making everyone feeling included was sooo hard to me. I couldn't deal with it. So I tried to seek out new things, I told my boss I wanted to expand my learning and I left the clinic, I ended up interviewing at the zoo after being in the veterinary world for like 7-8 years. I left, I started my career at the Zoo, it was great, amazing, I got so many cool life experiences, and job experiences. Unfortunately without willing to move outside of Montana....the Zoo was not ready for the advancement of veterinary medicine, and just didn't in the time I was there. Infact I ended up leaving only a couple months before the Zoo almost got ran into the ground with bankruptcy and the shit show of a director that was working. 

So, now i'm completely lost in my life. I know that veterinary medicine is not for me, the drama, the bullshit, and I can't deal with it, my anxiety is over the top. I can't further my career with the zoo industry unless i'm willing to move. These are the cards i'm dealt and I need to deal with it. Being a creature of habit, I go back to my old clinic...they welcome me with open arms, the zoo gig didn't work out, no hard feelings...come back be amazing, do your job and everyone elses..... I worked my assssssss off, Clients loved me, I got a random card with $500 in it from a client that loved to see my smile and how I treated their family everytime they came in. I loved my job, I loved what I did. I didn't love the people I worked with or who I worked for, but I made it work, because if i've learned nothing else up until the point is to be happy with the cards you are dealt and make it work.....

Stardate 020423

 Me again...worked today. Weekends are usually pretty easy, a time to catch up on things that didn't get done during the week. Do those extra tasks, once kitten season starts up again things are going to be starting to get crazy again. We just had a mama cat come in with 7 precious, beautiful babies that all looked like carbon copies of eachother, mama was pure black 😅 

ANYWAY... felt like it was a good time to get up on my soap box tonight, since I was a tad offended at work today. Being questioned about my knowledge/education....take it with a grain of salt honestly and maybe just writing it down will make me feel better. I started my veterinary technician journey when I was the wee age of 17, mom told me I should get a job at the vet clinic we took our cats to and later I took my pup to. Honestly besides growing up with cats and just loving animals in general, I had no extra interest in animals. I didn't grow up wanting to be a veterinarian...I wanted a dog more than anything, I had a hamster that I gave the worst life probably ever. But being in the veterinary industry wasn't exactly something that I seeked on my own. Anyway, mom told me I was 17, needed a job told me to interview....I did, besides working for my dad, It was the first job I ever had. I showed up after school with my hair in crazy ass pigtails, barrettes, a T-shirt that had glow in the dark paw prints on it and some holy jeans and chucks. I got the job....(The tech that interviewed me told me i'd need to "tone down my hair" in the future)....

Anyway, most kids my age, with absolutely NO experience ended up doing kennel duty....coming in first thing in the morning, letting all the dogs out, cleaning up poop, kennels, feeding...cats emptying litter boxes, feeding, watering....not a very glamorous job. BUT somehow my charm or naive nature excelled me to veterinary assistant immediately....I was in the thick of the job. I was holding animals for catheters, monitoring surgery, pulling blood, packing surgical instruments, looking at and preparing laboratory samples.....Like, it was crazy. So when the time came to graduate highschool, I took a year to really think about what I wanted to do, and I really loved my job and just wanted to keep doing what I was doing, but my parents thought I needed to further my career by getting a degree in the subject I was passionate about....In Montana however, to be a veterinary technician didn't matter....it's not a protected title and so getting a degree didn't matter.....BUT of course my parents wanted me to have some sort of college education. 

So my mom found me a really nice college in Minnesota that I could get my Associates degree in veterinary technology and atleast I would have a degree. It worked out my sister was currently living in Minnesota as well, so I could live with her.....So I went to college, unfortunately because I took that year off and didn't work on any prerequisites ...  I still had to take college english, math, sociology, etc....but I got to take all the classes, surgery, lab and lecture. Parasitology, hematology, Microbiology, Large Animal, Medical terminology, Exotic/Lab animals....I learned ALL the things. 

Graduated...and then to officially be able to call yourself certified, licensed, or registered you must pass a test called the VTNE. Vet Tech National Exam....it's something like $300-400 dollars, you have to sign up ahead of time, (now its online, but when I took it, it was pencil and paper...you had to have back up pencils, no mechanical and you couldn't get up from your desk so you better bring a pencil sharpener with you!) The Passing average the first time taking the test is not high....its a difficult test to take, and I am an AWFUL test taker, I can study, memorize, know all the things and then as soon as I sit down for the test, my mind goes blank..gone all the things. So I was not optimistic going into it, and of course we had to wait 3-4 weeks for our results to be emailed to us (Nowadays kids get results immediately) By some higher power I had passed....the first time!! I know people waaaaaaayyyy smarter than me that have failed and have to retake the test...you have to re-sign up, pay again, and if you fail more than 3 days you have to get approval from the national vet tech association to take it again....I mean it's a pretty big deal, however the common public has NO idea these are the things/hoops to jump through for me to call myself a CVT or now LVT....this is getting pretty long, so I might save the difference for another day. Anyway, just, its alot, and people just don't care/know because it's not a regulated profession, and i'm not sure it will be in my life time, but blah.

Stardate 020323

 Ohhhhh, here we go again. I swear to goodness if any of my old "subscribers" come upon these new entries, ya'll are gonna be dis-appointed....OK day at work. Couple surgeries here and there, did a euthanasia at the end of the day on a 9 year old GSD...I became Euthanasia certified last may. Its something that I have obviously been associated with since I entered the veterinary field. Usually the vets are the ones carrying out the actual procedure...but when we had drop off euth's often times, depending on the doctor, the technicians would actually perform the euthanasia, so I am no stranger to the process by any means. However, entering the shelter veterinary field, puts things alittle differently. We are seeing very sick, cold, newborn, animals and sometimes easing their suffering into death is the easiest and most humane thing we can do. When I first started at the shelter the Vet and one other person beyond ACO were allowed to perform such a procedure. And while attending a human society conference, it came to my attention that having that burden on one, or less people can be very weighing on that person, and the more people that can become certified/able to do it spreads it between more people....so me and two other employees became certified. This last year during our end of year counts I had performed 60 euthanasia's. That is 60 animals that I have ended their lives...Whether because of illness, age, etc...I do perform public euthanasias for people that either can't afford to do it through their vet, or can't get an appointment to get it done. I'm happy in the sense we are able to provide these services and ease the suffering, but I have had moments where i'm sure I am part serial killer or something. I could probably count on my hands the amount of times I have cried because of a euthanasia and they most likely are my own animals. Disconnecting myself from the animal and whats happening is the best way in my mind to deal with it. Even though there are some days that I think about it and I'm like, holy shit, I have literally KILLED this many animals.....Crazy thoughts, Crazy times. K, be back tomorrow.

Stardate 020223

 I haven't done anything on here for a HOT minute...but we are doing a wellness challenge for work and daily journaling is one of the challenges this month. 

The crazy thing to me is that since I was in like 6th grade journaling daily was something I did religiously...If not in notebooks, I had a diary.com account, I recorded video messages on a tiny tape recorder...I even wrote "entries" on an ancient computer that I had in my room as a teenager, and of course MySpace when I was in MN. Writing things down daily was something I did every day before bed and never thought twice about. Recently...like probably a year ago, I dug up all the old journals I wrote in when Joel and I started dating. It was really fun to read through those and remember the memories or days that we had when we were kids. I don't know what stopped or why I stopped doing it. Even on here, I used to blog during my pregnancy with Hank and even before. Why is it that something so normal in your life, just disappears? Maybe I felt like I was putting myself out there, too vulnerable...not wanting to talk about my issues to the outside world?

Anyway, that's it for tonight, but I will try to make the challenge work, this is day 2...yesterday, I wrote on a random piece of notebook paper...