Hank is two weeks old!!

Crazy, I can't believe it's been two weeks already! We're just barely getting into a routine...somedays it works and other days it doesn't...it was our mission this weekend to get some poundage on hank, he lost a pound after birth and wasn't gaining it back as well as the dr would have liked...so instead of nursing I started pumping, because although my boobs are gigantic they're not good for little babies, I mean they make milk, but they're very hard to get it out of, and hank was having alot of difficulty with that...which i'm okay with, but pumping is a whole other challenge...so at his appointment today he had passed his birth weight!

He's still pretty laid back, and some nights sleeps close to 5 hours! He doesn't ever 'just cry' it's usually because he's got gas, or a dirty diaper, or he's hungry, but as soon as you figure out what it is he stops...so its pretty nice he's not a crazy cranky baby! Although napping during the day is just a joke...I mean the whole "Sleep when baby sleeps" seeeeems like a nice idea...but baby falls asleep usually during feeding, and then if I try to get up he wakes up and either stays wide awake or will stay asleep until I get to where i'm putting him down and THEN he wakes up....When he IS sleeping, I have to pump...and by the time I get done, he's ready to be awake again! or I tried to get something done, and now he's been asleep so long and he wants to wake up soon...ugh, never ending battle. Sooooo...napping during the day doesn't really work for us, and there just aren't enough hours in the day!!

He's getting better with diaper changes, not so much screaming...He makes funny faces at me, he hasn't had his first real bath yet...his umbilical cord fell off last week, but there was still a scab there and Joel didn't want to do it, but I asked the dr today and he said it's fine, so probably in the next couple days he'll get his first real bath!!

Alright well thats all I can think of.

Happy boy!

Silly faces..

Meditating...

Chillin'

The puppies are sooooo exhausted from the baby...

Poor Iris...

Hank is one week old!

I can't believe it's already been a week since I gave birth to this little guy! Although i'm walking/talking like a zombie currently things are getting alittle easier...Its just such a change to get into a routine that works for us and all that jazz..

Recovery so far has been pretty good, still a bit sore in places, my back is killing me, and sleep is non-existent, but we're getting there. And a new found BO that has just started today...gross. I'm alittle weepy but not overly crazy...i'm just really overwhelmed with the in-laws, which Joel totally understands and he tells me that its fine, but when a certain someone is always asking to come over and for 'snuggle' time alot, it gets really annoying....I know alot of it has to do with my First Time Mom instincts and just wanting this precious time to bond..I mean we're only a week in people! I think its only fair I get to bond with my little guy, we don't even have a schedule yet, I don't want to share that time with anyone else...ya know?? Ugh, anyway I feel bad feeling like that, but its just so overwhelming, yea I wanna be selfish...deal with it.

Well he's already lost his umbilical stump! theres just a few little 'crumbs' stuck on there but they've been falling off slowly..we gave him a sponge bath last night so it will probably be a few days before he gets his first real bath.

So as of now..he HATES tummy time, doesn't like diaper changes, and does NOT like to change clothes, on or off, he hates changing clothes. Nursing is a learning curve, although he will take a bottle and my boob both...so that's good. He has also found his fingers and likes to suck on them sometimes...too adorable!

Anywho, heres his adorable face....

I'm probably just prejudice but, I think he's pretty much the cutest baby ever.

He makes some pretty silly faces,

Freaking adorable..

Hanks birth story (and all the gory details.)

So on Monday I was feeling ridiculously pregnant and sorry for myself, and actually started out the morning just laying in bed and being useless. But I decided to get up and take a shower, and scrub the bathtub, and clean the bathroom and clean Joels side of the closet because it was driving me crazy, and I organized all his socks and then I looked at the bed and have really wanted to move it around for awhile...I mean we rearranged the whole house, I was feeling like a change...so I moved the bed, probably wasn't the best idea i'd ever had, but I more like 'shoved' it with my leg...but boy was I in pain, I was sooo exhausted and I had the whole room ripped apart, it was insane my back was killing me, I was ready to die, infact I considered leaving it all strung out and having Joel help me when he got home, but I decided to push forward and got it all finished....

So that night I was having some contractions, but nothing that lasted...until after dinner they started getting pretty consistent, and I was timing them, they were about 5 mins apart, but not awful, so we went to bed, and I woke up at 3am to go to the bathroom and could feel them getting more uncomfortable, and it was actually kind of a different feeling...so Joel was up to get ready for work and they REALLY started to hurt, I was going to wait it out and see what happened, but Joel decided to call into work, even at that point I was ready to wait until my appointment at 9:50 and see what the Dr. said...but by 6am the contractions were getting BAD, so I decided to take a shower and call Labor and Delivery, when I told them how overdue I was they said I could come in at any time and probably wouldn't be turned away...so we left for the hospital at 7am. We got stuck behind a slow truck on the way to the hospital...how ironic right?!

When we got checked in the nurse checked me and I was already 4cm dilated and in active labor...The contractions hurt, but weren't hoooorrrible....but I was progressing so fast that when Joel told the nurse he hadn't brought our things up and was going to go down and get our stuff she gave him like a stink eye, so he decided not to...within an hour or so I was already at 6cm and she said she'd call the anesthesiologist for my epidural...it took him about an hour or so to get into our room, he was SUPER nice and I seriously didn't feel anything!! The nurse putting in my catheter was WAY worse, I mean I almost passed out because she couldn't find a vein...but the epidural was seriously a piece of cake, besides the fact I was contracting and we had to pause between times.

Once the epidural was in my legs got fuzzy, I couldn't feel the contractions anymore and I was WAY comfortable...but it didn't last for long because I was progressing so fast I really only got an hour or so to enjoy the pain freeness...another nurse came in and said I was 8cm, so she was gonna call the dr to come break my water...then that was really all we were waiting for, they took awhile to get there, I probably would've had him earlier if they would have hurried their butts up, So pretty much immediately after they broke my water they said I could start pushing...

And freaking A did I push...I pushed for 2 and a half hours!! It was so weird at first, and I kept thinking I had to push like I was pooping, thats what everyone told me...but it was hard for me to do that, my nurse was awesome though, trying different ways for me to get pushing correctly..and Joel was amazing!! He was watching my contractions and telling me when to get ready, because my epidural was strong enough I couldn't always feel them coming, but I kept pushing and pushing....finally after about an hour and a half the dr came in and could tell I was getting tired, so he told me to stop pushing for a couple contractions, and that was almost worse! It doesn't feel good to not push, it was horrible...anyway baby hank was just chillin in the birth canal and not wanting to come out, but they could see his head, Joel got to see his head...she kept asking if I wanted a mirror, haha, and I'm like "NO!! No mirror!!"

So Dr was getting concerned..they don't usually let anyone go over two hours of pushing, it's just too hard on mom and baby and I was exhausted...so he was talking if nothing happened in the next 15 minutes or so we were gonna do c-section....so I pushed as hard as I could, then the dr said we could try to use the vacuum and an episiotomy...of course while pregnant I always said if offered an episiotomy I would refuse and cry and beg, but at this point I didn't care, I just wanted the baby OUT!! So we went for it..and within about 10 minutes Hank was born! He was crowning and they told me to stop pushing, oh god, that was the worst feeling i've ever had in my life, but sure enough...They were like "Chanda, look down" There was a baby!!! They put him on my chest and it was the craziest thing i've ever experienced in my life, I mean I -KNOW- I was pregnant, and it should have sunk in by now, but seriously until you see what just came out of you, it's hard to realize what was inside of you all that time!

Joel was sobbing, and I was like "Oh my god, I just had a baby!" So they took him and checked him over, and took care of stitching me up and I passed the placenta and all that fun stuff....I felt so sick afterwards, I was lightheaded and in so much pain, I was EXHAUSTED. Anyway...I still can't believe I pushed an 8 lb 3oz baby out of me and lived to tell about it!

The first few nights have been rough, and I kept telling Joel we're putting him up for adoption...BUT of course I don't mean it, I'm totally inlove, he's the sweetest little thing i've ever laid eyes on, I can't believe Joel and i created this little human, he's absolutely perfect, even the pediatrician said so!

Anyway...that's all for now, and some pictures....Since Joel didn't go down and get our stuff we didn't have the camera with us...which sucks, the nurse practitioner ended up just taking some pictures on my phone, i'm kinda bummed that that's all we have, but I guess lesson learned..

Fresh out 

Joel cutting the cord.

Cutting the cord..

Joel took the scale pictures but was sobbing so hard all of them are fuzzy...

First time holding baby..

Sad face after first bath

Hanging out in the hospital.

Going home from the hospital!

Sleeeeeeepping......

Anyway, I know people have babies every day, but after not sleeping the first couple days I have felt like dying...I just need to believe i'm going to make it!

The only other thing is Mateo doesn't want anything to do with me anymore...which breaks my heart, but thats a whole other entry i'll write about later...

41+3 weeks..

I'm trying to keep my head up, I really am...but at this point I feel like my body and my dr are taking enjoyment in torturing me..My sister came and stayed for a week and had to leave today, I'm soooo upset she's not going to be able to be here for me, If the doctor wouldn't have said I wouldn't make it to my due date she never would have booked the ticket...it's just disappointing that NOTHING is going right...

So my last appointment was on friday, Dr was in a mood...apparently all the nurses decided to take the day off and he was flustered from having to do everything himself. So I did a NST and they made me drink apple juice, yuck! Next week if I have to, i'm defiantly going to ask if I can drink something else...makes my stomach hurt. Well the lady who was 'filling in' for the nurses had no idea what she was doing, she hooked me up to the NST machine and kept asking if the baby was moving because i guess it wasn't showing up, but he was moving just fine, then the paper wasn't recording anything, so all the data for like 15 minutes wasn't recorded, so she came back in and tried to figure it out, and told me it wasn't picking up any contractions!! So she asked if I was having any, and i'm like uhhh, yeah! UGH, well anyway I 'passed' so then the dr wanted to check me, and had me wait with my pants off for about 20 minutes, he finally came in and checked, not really alot of progress, and in fact he said the baby had moved up further, so he's no longer positioned low in my pelvis...the only difference was I went from finger tip to 1 cm...because he said he didn't agree with the 1 cm a few weeks ago...UGH, so it's like i'm moving backwards!!

So my next appointment is on tuesday...at which point he said he would "offer" me to be induced, but it wouldn't be that day...so wednesday or thursday I will probably be induced at which point I will be 42 WEEKS!! Not fair. I'm just upset that my body isn't going through the motions naturally...

I WILL BE PREGNANT FOREVER!

Feeling like a Failure...

Every morning I wake up still pregnant, I die alittle inside. I just feel so defeated, like my body has no clue what its suppose to be doing...i've been having contractions constantly, but nothing that does anything. It's getting so tiring and i'm so sick of being pregnant! I woke up this morning at 3am, realizing I wasn't in labor and proceeded to cry and cry and wake up Joel and he held me until I stopped, but even now, I still feel like nothing is going right...I'm already so worried about bonding with this baby because I don't have much experience with kids and the whole idea is still freaking me out, and having to go through all this disappointment and failure is not making anything better...The daily facebook posts and constant questioning isn't helping...I just feel like a big bowl of crap, it's not like I haven't been trying!! Since the weekend i've been bouncing for hours on the exercise ball, eating pineapple core, accupressure points, long walks..and NO progress at yesterday's appointment. He said at this point i'm not even 'induceable'...they'll check me again on friday and if anything has changed they would schedule me for monday to be induced, but if i'm still not induceable, but the baby is fine, he would let me go all the way to next week at 42 weeks before inducing me...I don't know if I can handle this for a whole other week. Sorry, i'm just having myself a pity party, but i'm just really frustrated, i'm over this.

40 + 4 weeks

Well, there's still a baby in my tummy...My sister got into town friday night and since saturday we've been working hard at convincing this little boy out...last night I thought for sure we got it, after 2-3 solid hours of bouncing on an exercise ball, accupressure points and eating a pineapple core...I thought FOR SURE it was happening, I started having contractions after the pineapple, so Joel and I went to bed, and I woke up at 11:30pm with AWFUL back pain, just excruciating! and I was having contractions, it hurt sooo bad, but I could still breath through it fine, so I laid there for awhile, but there was no "Pulsing" in my contractions, it's just like my stomach tenses up and stays like that for minutes at a time...not the 30-60 seconds that they tell you contractions are suppose to stay for. So I couldn't time anything, because there was no start and end, just pain.... Finally it let up enough I could lay back down, and I waited and waited, and nothing else happened, so I laid down and woke up this morning....pooey!!

My next appointment is tomorrow, Maybe he'll sweep my membranes...he said we would talk about "Options" at this appointment, so I guess we'll see how things go. I'm starting to completely be convinced i'm never going to actually have a baby.