Deciding when it's time to say goodbye...

Today has been a horrible day...things started out normal, Hank slept until 6, he woke up and took a bottle and went back to sleep for about 2 more hours...I let the dogs outside to go to the bathroom and Mateo got caught up with a cat that lives next door, he was barking and I went out with the remote to his collar and 'buzzed' him...he didn't respond, so I pushed it again, and told him to 'Come' he didn't repsond...so I hit the Low shock, he didn't respond, I hit it again, and it didn't do anything, so I hit the High schock, and it finally hit him and he came over to get into the house...I took his collar off and went to attend to Hank and do something else...

Alittle while later I thought i'd give him some love since I felt bad I had to shock him, I went into the living room where he was and bent down to pet him...I hadn't even touched him yet; and he lunged at me with his mouth open...I hardly had time to react, didn't growl or put his head down, he just lunged..I don't have a reaction to hit or kick a dog, I don't know if it has to do with working with animals (you can't kick a clients dog in the face and explain that later...)  So for some reason my instinct was to put my hand out...and he attacked it, he bit the shit out of it....

So I freaked out and started crying once he let go, he had no remorse, he didn't try to comfort me like he has done previously if he ever bit me.

He's had problems with Aggression before..When we lived in Minnesota he was at his worst, I had considered putting him down numerous times because of it, but once we moved back he changed and was doing alot better...he had been doing Great since we moved into our own house, he had his own area to hang out in and be a good family dog....

Ever since I gave birth to Hank he's been a different dog...the first month I was home he would growl at me and not want anything to do with me...after spending some time together and getting re-acquainted, he was doing great...he even snuggled with me saturday morning on the bed when Joel took Hank to the coffee shop to let me sleep...

But today he was a different dog, and I would NEVER forgive myself if he did anything to Hank...if he can attack me with no reason, un-provoked...what is he capable of?? So then, comes the decision...I couldn't give him to anybody who didn't know his personality or what he's capable of doing...or who would try to use his aggression for the wrong reasons..Also at the same time he's very attached to our family...me and Joel, he has an issue with eating and being happy when we're not home, so I can't imagine he would adjust very well to living with someone else...

So comes the only awful, yet, logical decision...to euthanize. Which breaks my heart...I've been crying all day just imagining how everything would take place...I've been a part of hundreds of euthanasia's; I've euthanized more animals that I can count, and I know the look in their eyes, and the limp body that happens seconds after giving the solution...He'll have to be muzzled, and I know he'll look at me asking "Why?" When honestly he just can't help the aggression he has, it's part of his breed, his make up.

Today has been really hard for me, and I don't know how we're going to deal with this, but regardless, it's going to be really heartbreaking for me. I would have never imagined this is the way it would end...

 (This was just a week or so ago...he crawled into my lap while I was sitting in the nursery)

Hankenstein...

Soooo, things are much the same. this past week was my birthday...No more 'birthday week' for Chandar...poo, ah the time when things were more fun..My family is all about surprises and some of the best birthday surprises i've ever gotten always involve my sister!! She surprised me for my 18th? B-day...flying in from MN, and then for my 20th b-day My mom and sister surprised me with a trip to Chicago!..Ahhh, fun times. Worst birthday surprise ever? My Great Uncle died on my birthday...I know, debbie downer here, but it's kind of a huge thing, I mean how many people do you know died on your birthday?? As sad as it is, it's kind of a unique thing...I'll ALWAYS remember that!

ANYWAY...Hank is as cute as ever, he's talking up a storm, holding his head pretty steady, sleeping through the entire night, a Champ at going to the store, And LOVES to just look around...he's pretty cute. I left him for the longest i've ever left him the other day for my birthday...I wanted to enjoy myself and didn't want to worry about where the baby was, so my mom babysat for the evening...it was a good 5 hours that he was gone...and it was bizarre!! But i've been pondering it, and I think instead of just jumping into the work scene I'm going to start going a couple afternoons volunteering out at the zoo...I'll get used to the routine of dropping Hank off, and it will be somewhere that i'm comfortable with, and I don't have to worry about a strict schedule to begin with...I hope I can get my butt in gear and start doing that next week...

Well I think that's all...here are some pictures!

Hank is 8 weeks!!

Well apparently I have to update according to a ridiculously insistent person! Anyway...Hank for the past week had been sleeping through the night 7-8 hours at a time, and then waking up to take a bottle and going back down for 2-3 hours...last night he woke up at 1:30am and ate and then slept until 6, Eh we're getting there...

Figuring out a routine is still hard...I sleep when he sleeps, and some days he's grouchy and other days he's content just talking to himself..it's hard to gauge what kind of day its going to be..

But overall he's a pretty happy baby...