Still super lame and dull

(Warning: super long...)

I can't believe how awful i have been at blogging...i have boxes full of journals that i used to write in multiple times a day, at one time i even kept a tape-recorder diary, and before the world of blogging i used to write in an online diary all time. It's ridiculous, i used to love writing anything and everything about what happened during the day, i dunno. I have a feeling some things will change.

I have been on medication for "anxiety" since i was 15...literally once i started taking the drugs i felt like i wasn't as open minded as i once was, I also used to write at least two poems a day! And since i've been on these drugs i feel like i don't have had the creativity that i once had flowing through my blood! Well...because i had been on this drug for sooo long, and actually it isn't recommended for people under the age of 18, and i was put on it when i was 15! Not to mention it's one of the worst drugs for withdrawl, and allllso its not even specifically made for anxiety!

I went years wanting to get off of Effexor, but every time i tried to decrease my dose or just cold-turkey it, my body went into crazy withdrawls...like curled up on the bathroom floor sweating, vomitting, and brain zaps, I couldn't function..it sucked, and it also screwed with my head knowing that if i just took one stupid pill it would make me feel normal again...i didn't want to be dependent on feeling normal just by a stupid little pill.

So i spoke to many doctors about getting off of it, and the overall result i got from it was...'if its working, don't bother getting off it' Well, the thing is; it wasn't working, i was having small panic attacks all the time, and the effexor wasn't doing anything to make them better or ease the anxiety, i was about to poop my pants, ready to pass out anxious...and according to normal people, i guess that's not normal. Soo, i HAD to get off of it!

I finally got a hold of a psychologist that specializes in drug discontinuing and all sorts of other stuff, so it took about 4 months to get an appointment, but i finally got in, told her my story...she had to go through the usual 'do you hear voices?' questions, but that day she sent me home with a couple drug prescriptions that were going to 'bridge' my meds until my body was good with decreasing the dose and then i would have something that i would only take at the time of having an attack or that i can take ahead of time if i think i might get anxious...so i'm soooo fricking proud to say that after being dependent on drugs for over 8 years, i am completely drug free!!

I have not taken any medication daily for almost a month now and i feel so much better! There were a few days when i first quit the drugs i felt alittle woozy, and had one morning of brain zaps, but now i'm feeling great, its strange in the morning when i'm getting ready i always think i'm forgetting something..i used to always have to take a pill in the morning!

Don't get me wrong i still get awful anxiety attacks, but i think it's gotten to a point i can figure out other things to think of instead of freaking out.

Anywho, besides on the mission of loosing a couple pounds, blogging or just writing in general are a couple of my goals i hope i can fulfill!! yay!

-Chanda