Deciding when it's time to say goodbye...

Today has been a horrible day...things started out normal, Hank slept until 6, he woke up and took a bottle and went back to sleep for about 2 more hours...I let the dogs outside to go to the bathroom and Mateo got caught up with a cat that lives next door, he was barking and I went out with the remote to his collar and 'buzzed' him...he didn't respond, so I pushed it again, and told him to 'Come' he didn't repsond...so I hit the Low shock, he didn't respond, I hit it again, and it didn't do anything, so I hit the High schock, and it finally hit him and he came over to get into the house...I took his collar off and went to attend to Hank and do something else...

Alittle while later I thought i'd give him some love since I felt bad I had to shock him, I went into the living room where he was and bent down to pet him...I hadn't even touched him yet; and he lunged at me with his mouth open...I hardly had time to react, didn't growl or put his head down, he just lunged..I don't have a reaction to hit or kick a dog, I don't know if it has to do with working with animals (you can't kick a clients dog in the face and explain that later...)  So for some reason my instinct was to put my hand out...and he attacked it, he bit the shit out of it....

So I freaked out and started crying once he let go, he had no remorse, he didn't try to comfort me like he has done previously if he ever bit me.

He's had problems with Aggression before..When we lived in Minnesota he was at his worst, I had considered putting him down numerous times because of it, but once we moved back he changed and was doing alot better...he had been doing Great since we moved into our own house, he had his own area to hang out in and be a good family dog....

Ever since I gave birth to Hank he's been a different dog...the first month I was home he would growl at me and not want anything to do with me...after spending some time together and getting re-acquainted, he was doing great...he even snuggled with me saturday morning on the bed when Joel took Hank to the coffee shop to let me sleep...

But today he was a different dog, and I would NEVER forgive myself if he did anything to Hank...if he can attack me with no reason, un-provoked...what is he capable of?? So then, comes the decision...I couldn't give him to anybody who didn't know his personality or what he's capable of doing...or who would try to use his aggression for the wrong reasons..Also at the same time he's very attached to our family...me and Joel, he has an issue with eating and being happy when we're not home, so I can't imagine he would adjust very well to living with someone else...

So comes the only awful, yet, logical decision...to euthanize. Which breaks my heart...I've been crying all day just imagining how everything would take place...I've been a part of hundreds of euthanasia's; I've euthanized more animals that I can count, and I know the look in their eyes, and the limp body that happens seconds after giving the solution...He'll have to be muzzled, and I know he'll look at me asking "Why?" When honestly he just can't help the aggression he has, it's part of his breed, his make up.

Today has been really hard for me, and I don't know how we're going to deal with this, but regardless, it's going to be really heartbreaking for me. I would have never imagined this is the way it would end...

 (This was just a week or so ago...he crawled into my lap while I was sitting in the nursery)

Hankenstein...

Soooo, things are much the same. this past week was my birthday...No more 'birthday week' for Chandar...poo, ah the time when things were more fun..My family is all about surprises and some of the best birthday surprises i've ever gotten always involve my sister!! She surprised me for my 18th? B-day...flying in from MN, and then for my 20th b-day My mom and sister surprised me with a trip to Chicago!..Ahhh, fun times. Worst birthday surprise ever? My Great Uncle died on my birthday...I know, debbie downer here, but it's kind of a huge thing, I mean how many people do you know died on your birthday?? As sad as it is, it's kind of a unique thing...I'll ALWAYS remember that!

ANYWAY...Hank is as cute as ever, he's talking up a storm, holding his head pretty steady, sleeping through the entire night, a Champ at going to the store, And LOVES to just look around...he's pretty cute. I left him for the longest i've ever left him the other day for my birthday...I wanted to enjoy myself and didn't want to worry about where the baby was, so my mom babysat for the evening...it was a good 5 hours that he was gone...and it was bizarre!! But i've been pondering it, and I think instead of just jumping into the work scene I'm going to start going a couple afternoons volunteering out at the zoo...I'll get used to the routine of dropping Hank off, and it will be somewhere that i'm comfortable with, and I don't have to worry about a strict schedule to begin with...I hope I can get my butt in gear and start doing that next week...

Well I think that's all...here are some pictures!

Hank is 8 weeks!!

Well apparently I have to update according to a ridiculously insistent person! Anyway...Hank for the past week had been sleeping through the night 7-8 hours at a time, and then waking up to take a bottle and going back down for 2-3 hours...last night he woke up at 1:30am and ate and then slept until 6, Eh we're getting there...

Figuring out a routine is still hard...I sleep when he sleeps, and some days he's grouchy and other days he's content just talking to himself..it's hard to gauge what kind of day its going to be..

But overall he's a pretty happy baby...

Hank is 6 weeks

I can't believe he's already 6 weeks!..he got his shots today at the doctors...it was awful! He screamed so hard his face was beet red, good thing Joel came with us because I would have punched the nurse in the face, it was horrible...poor baby! But everything looked good, he's gained so much weight!! 11 lbs 10 oz! He's a chunk!

He's smiling and cooing now...loves his daddy and when he plays with his feet. Doesn't mind diaper changes or changing clothes anymore...Likes taking baths. Doesn't like sleeping in his bassinet for more than 3 hours, but will sleep in his swing 5+!!

We're feeding mostly formula now, I pumped once-twice a day....I hate being tied down to the pumping, but I think it's pretty good that we've gotten this far, not sure how much longer my supply will keep up though.

We had my dad's family reunion this past weekend, and Hank decided it was the perfect time to go through a growth spurt...He was sooo fussy and hungry allll the time!! Everyone thought he was such a cranky baby, when in fact he's a great baby! BUT Joel was able to bring his swing up, and that made things alittle better...jeez, the things we do for our kids :-)...

Being a rock star...

Tummy time!!

(I had more pictures but for some reason blogger isn't uploading them, perhaps i'll try later..)

Hank is over a month old!!

Time is really slipping away from me...this week for some reason has just been going so fast, but so slow at the same time...My days are blurred together...feeding, burping, changing...trying to get something done before the next feeding or diaper change...its insane!! We're slowly figuring out a -sort of- routine...

Hank sleeping 7 hours was a fluke...he now sleeps about 4 in a row, but it's gotten pretty consistent so that's good...he's a crazy pooper, and just when you think it's safe to change him, he'll poop on your hand....it's dangerous business!!

The pumping thing really sucks...having to take time out of my day to find time to pump, it really puts a damper on things when we want to go somewhere and it's my pumping time...let me tell you, pumping when you're out and about is just weird and lame...and cleaning all the bottles and flanges everytime after I use it is really tiring...it's a full time job, and it's wearing on me pretty good. The biggest guilt that I feel about switching to strictly formula is that it costs so much money, and why should we have to pay for something that can be free? But I don't think i'm strong willed enough to keep going with this...I want my body back, I stuck it out for a month...and i'll probably keep going until my supply completely dries up but i'm not going to bend over backwards and wear myself down for this...I just can't.

Anyway, my sister is coming this weekend! I can't wait for her to meet Hank finally

Hank is 3 weeks old!

I Can't believe he's already 3 weeks old, it seems like it's going so fast, but at the same time slow...haha. So he was sleeping really well except for the last few nights, he's been getting up every couple hours, but not even because he's hungry, he just wants to be held and then goes back to sleep...Oh, well we'll get this figured out, I just wish it would happen sooner than later..

He's soooo expressive! He's got so many faces, it's ridiculous...he's sticking his tongue out, and pretty sure he's smiling, although some don't think so, I defiantly do!

I'm still pumping as much as I can...it's such a struggle, to pump or sleep...in which case I choose sleep, but some days are better than others, the only thing that sucks is that my supply suffers on those off days...I don't know how much longer i'll be able to keep it up, but i'm going to try, because we can't be buying formula right now.

Anyway, my mom made me this cool sling that I can carry him around in...for some reason I just couldn't get a hang of the moby, I know some people swear by it, and I guess if I wasn't handicapped and could figure it out better it might be the coolest thing ever...but I can't figure it out and it's not easy, but my mom made this sling that seems to be working pretty great so that's awesome!

Hank is two weeks old!!

Crazy, I can't believe it's been two weeks already! We're just barely getting into a routine...somedays it works and other days it doesn't...it was our mission this weekend to get some poundage on hank, he lost a pound after birth and wasn't gaining it back as well as the dr would have liked...so instead of nursing I started pumping, because although my boobs are gigantic they're not good for little babies, I mean they make milk, but they're very hard to get it out of, and hank was having alot of difficulty with that...which i'm okay with, but pumping is a whole other challenge...so at his appointment today he had passed his birth weight!

He's still pretty laid back, and some nights sleeps close to 5 hours! He doesn't ever 'just cry' it's usually because he's got gas, or a dirty diaper, or he's hungry, but as soon as you figure out what it is he stops...so its pretty nice he's not a crazy cranky baby! Although napping during the day is just a joke...I mean the whole "Sleep when baby sleeps" seeeeems like a nice idea...but baby falls asleep usually during feeding, and then if I try to get up he wakes up and either stays wide awake or will stay asleep until I get to where i'm putting him down and THEN he wakes up....When he IS sleeping, I have to pump...and by the time I get done, he's ready to be awake again! or I tried to get something done, and now he's been asleep so long and he wants to wake up soon...ugh, never ending battle. Sooooo...napping during the day doesn't really work for us, and there just aren't enough hours in the day!!

He's getting better with diaper changes, not so much screaming...He makes funny faces at me, he hasn't had his first real bath yet...his umbilical cord fell off last week, but there was still a scab there and Joel didn't want to do it, but I asked the dr today and he said it's fine, so probably in the next couple days he'll get his first real bath!!

Alright well thats all I can think of.

Happy boy!

Silly faces..

Meditating...

Chillin'

The puppies are sooooo exhausted from the baby...

Poor Iris...