Lately...

So i've been watching what i'm eating and sloooowly but surely the pounds are -kind of- dropping off, i've lost about 8 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. It feels good, somedays i'm sooo over it and just want to eat a ton of junk food, but watching that scale go lower and being able to fit in clothes better makes it all worth it...

This is what I typically have for lunch...Salad with Artichoke hearts, tomatoes and italian dressing...What you don't see here is the mound of Croutons I put on top..hehe.

So excited to go visit my sister in about a week and a half...I hope that Hank travels well, and I hate that I feel such a goober because he sleeps in his swing, and it's going to be such a pain to figure out how to get it there and back...believe me, the last few weeks I have tried to get him to sleep EVERYWHERE...and he naps great anywhere, but when it comes to bedtime, forget about it...gah!!

Hanging out with grandma at the dog park...

Fell asleep holding his toes...

Close up

Mommy snuggle time..

13 weeks

Hank got his second set of shots last week, He hated it...We didn't rip the bandaids off this time, but he did get a fever, but it resolved with some tylenol. I'm not much in the mood for talking today, so i'll just upload some pictures...

It's not easy to say goodbye...

That Wynonna Judd song has been going through my head all day....Today is a weird weird day for me, Today I am just wasting time until taking Mateo in...He only has hours to live and he doesn't even know...It's so bizarre to me, I worked in a career that we euthanized animals all the time, I seemed numb to it..but to choose a day and time to legally -kill- something, is so strange. It sucks...It makes me feel like a horrible person, even though I know i've tried everything in my power..

All week i've tried to spoil him, which is hard because he doesn't really want to hang out with me...I've taken him on a few walks, played in the yard with him, fixed him some lettuce and treats in his breakfast this morning, It doesn't make it any less bizarre...

Anyway, I know wounds will heal with time, right now it just really sucks...

I'll love you forever Mateo...

Hi, My name is Chanda...(TMI)

And i'm a freaking medical anomaly.....First with the C-Diff and them not knowing why I keep getting it, constant re-occuring UTI's, and now this...I have a pelvic prolapse...Yes, it's just as bad as it sounds. Basically when I pushed Hank out, I pushed the rest of my organs out with him, OK...it wasn't as gross as it sounds. I happened over time, the last couple weeks I noticed something was out of place, low and behold when I looked down yonder something wasn't right. So I made an appointment with my OB/GYN and sure enough, things had dropped from where they were...He seemed pretty optimistic about it, since i'm young, but he did say it was alittle unusual since this is my first child and i'm so young (Freaking sound familiar??!!) So he sent me to this lady to do physical therapy and try to strengthen the muscles...

Sounds simple enough, like an easy solution...The lady was super nice, but she gave me horrible dooms-dayish news the entire time I was there! I'm sure she was trying to give me the worst case scenario kind of thing, but she basically told me I could NEVER go back to work being a Vet Tech, there was NO possible way I should be lifting -anything- She said even the vacuum up and down the stairs was off limits, and lifting hank once he got to be about two was OUT of the question...She said if I didn't follow these strict rules that I would have serious issues the rest of my life!! She said surgery could fix it, but only so much...See with Surgery, they'd be tacking tissue to tissue, and after time that tissue can stretch just like my muscles have, and i'd have this problem all over again!!!..

WHAT THE FRICK UNIVERSE??!! I'M ONLY 25 FREAKING YEARS OLD, ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

Seriously, I swear this past year anything and everything horrible has happened to me...UGH.

Being a responsible adult sucks...

So after the incident with Mateo I contacted two different dog trainers, and they both agree that at this point in Mateo's life, he cannot be 'corrected' with his aggression issues...Having a long bite history, and getting older is only going to make things worse.

I talked with another friend of mine who went through a similar thing last year with a German Shepard she had...It has helped alot talking to someone who can relate, but it is still the most heartbreaking thing I think i've ever dealt with...

Joel and I talked alot last night and we decided for the sake of our family and Mateo's own quality of life that euthanasia is the only solution...We laid in bed and cried together, and I hardly slept last night. I've been trying to think of some ways to spoil him these last couple days, but I can't because he doesn't want to be around me, which makes things even worse....

I talked to my exco-worker at the clinic and our county is under rabies quarantine right now, so she's checking on the details because I don't want his head cut off for tissue testing, So we're going to have to see if we need to wait ten days or not to be in the clear...but as soon as we know the details we're having it done...

This is one of the hardest decisions i've ever made, and I hope that I will realize it's the best thing for us and not regret it the rest of my life...

Deciding when it's time to say goodbye...

Today has been a horrible day...things started out normal, Hank slept until 6, he woke up and took a bottle and went back to sleep for about 2 more hours...I let the dogs outside to go to the bathroom and Mateo got caught up with a cat that lives next door, he was barking and I went out with the remote to his collar and 'buzzed' him...he didn't respond, so I pushed it again, and told him to 'Come' he didn't repsond...so I hit the Low shock, he didn't respond, I hit it again, and it didn't do anything, so I hit the High schock, and it finally hit him and he came over to get into the house...I took his collar off and went to attend to Hank and do something else...

Alittle while later I thought i'd give him some love since I felt bad I had to shock him, I went into the living room where he was and bent down to pet him...I hadn't even touched him yet; and he lunged at me with his mouth open...I hardly had time to react, didn't growl or put his head down, he just lunged..I don't have a reaction to hit or kick a dog, I don't know if it has to do with working with animals (you can't kick a clients dog in the face and explain that later...)  So for some reason my instinct was to put my hand out...and he attacked it, he bit the shit out of it....

So I freaked out and started crying once he let go, he had no remorse, he didn't try to comfort me like he has done previously if he ever bit me.

He's had problems with Aggression before..When we lived in Minnesota he was at his worst, I had considered putting him down numerous times because of it, but once we moved back he changed and was doing alot better...he had been doing Great since we moved into our own house, he had his own area to hang out in and be a good family dog....

Ever since I gave birth to Hank he's been a different dog...the first month I was home he would growl at me and not want anything to do with me...after spending some time together and getting re-acquainted, he was doing great...he even snuggled with me saturday morning on the bed when Joel took Hank to the coffee shop to let me sleep...

But today he was a different dog, and I would NEVER forgive myself if he did anything to Hank...if he can attack me with no reason, un-provoked...what is he capable of?? So then, comes the decision...I couldn't give him to anybody who didn't know his personality or what he's capable of doing...or who would try to use his aggression for the wrong reasons..Also at the same time he's very attached to our family...me and Joel, he has an issue with eating and being happy when we're not home, so I can't imagine he would adjust very well to living with someone else...

So comes the only awful, yet, logical decision...to euthanize. Which breaks my heart...I've been crying all day just imagining how everything would take place...I've been a part of hundreds of euthanasia's; I've euthanized more animals that I can count, and I know the look in their eyes, and the limp body that happens seconds after giving the solution...He'll have to be muzzled, and I know he'll look at me asking "Why?" When honestly he just can't help the aggression he has, it's part of his breed, his make up.

Today has been really hard for me, and I don't know how we're going to deal with this, but regardless, it's going to be really heartbreaking for me. I would have never imagined this is the way it would end...

 (This was just a week or so ago...he crawled into my lap while I was sitting in the nursery)

Hankenstein...

Soooo, things are much the same. this past week was my birthday...No more 'birthday week' for Chandar...poo, ah the time when things were more fun..My family is all about surprises and some of the best birthday surprises i've ever gotten always involve my sister!! She surprised me for my 18th? B-day...flying in from MN, and then for my 20th b-day My mom and sister surprised me with a trip to Chicago!..Ahhh, fun times. Worst birthday surprise ever? My Great Uncle died on my birthday...I know, debbie downer here, but it's kind of a huge thing, I mean how many people do you know died on your birthday?? As sad as it is, it's kind of a unique thing...I'll ALWAYS remember that!

ANYWAY...Hank is as cute as ever, he's talking up a storm, holding his head pretty steady, sleeping through the entire night, a Champ at going to the store, And LOVES to just look around...he's pretty cute. I left him for the longest i've ever left him the other day for my birthday...I wanted to enjoy myself and didn't want to worry about where the baby was, so my mom babysat for the evening...it was a good 5 hours that he was gone...and it was bizarre!! But i've been pondering it, and I think instead of just jumping into the work scene I'm going to start going a couple afternoons volunteering out at the zoo...I'll get used to the routine of dropping Hank off, and it will be somewhere that i'm comfortable with, and I don't have to worry about a strict schedule to begin with...I hope I can get my butt in gear and start doing that next week...

Well I think that's all...here are some pictures!