Being a stay at home mom...

I'm not sure where i'm going to take this entry and if i'm gonna go all hearts out or reserve myself...I'm bored, I don't know how people do this stay at home thing...I'm exhausted when Hank wakes me up in the morning, I have no drive to do anything during the day, I can clean the entire house in 15 minutes, I don't want to start any projects because it upsets me when I don't get it done on my terms and Hank gets cranky and I can't finish...You can only go to the store so many times in a day, and carrying hank around in that car seat is exhausting...

When Joel gets home he helps, but as soon as everyone falls asleep it's mostly up to me, he does the weekend nights and gets up sometimes to shush him, but I feel like it's a broken record...Same thing everyday, and i'm BORED.

I want to go back to work, but being exhausted from getting up all night doesn't make me a workable person, and then of course the anxiety of even going back into the work force scares the CRAP outta me...

I Hate that Hank won't sleep in his crib, I hate that I can't keep his attention for more than 10 minutes, I hate that he doesn't tell me exactly when he's hungry and how much he wants to eat, I hate that I have no one to spend time with during the day, I hate that I can't rock Hank to sleep, I hate that I give up at 3am when hank is wide awake, and I just want to go back to sleep, I hate that I just sit in front of the tv and waste my days away, I hate that I look forward to the afternoons I get to myself. I HATE that I feel this way, but I do, and I know of all the ladies out there that would give anything to be a stay at home mom, but I just don't think i'm cut out for this... I don't enjoy it.

Now don't get me wrong...I LOVE HANK, sooooooo much. I love when he smiles at me in the morning when he wakes up and sees my face, I love when he giggles from the silliest things, I love the face he makes when I feed him his food, I love how he loves his daddy so much, and smiles soooo big when he comes home from work, I love when he falls asleep and snores SO loud, I love how he gets more enjoyment from his burp rag than any expensive toys we've got him, I love that he completely knows when i'm coming to suck boogers out of his nose and he tolerates it, I love sooo many things about him.

That's why I feel so guilty for hating spending all day with my precious boy...I don't know how people do it.

Two pacifiers at once!

Lounging...with no pants on.

Iris bug playing dead...

Hat time with Daddy

5 months!

Jeez, it's been awhile. Nothing exciting going on, just hanging out with Hank daily and I'm still going out to the zoo and volunteering once to twice a week...

I'm getting really stir crazy being a stay at home mom, and i'm not good at projects or crafts because I get bored easily, and also frustrated when Hank has those days when he just doesn't want to be set down, so I find myself just watching tv and being a lame housewife...I would really love to go back to work, but i'm not sure if that's in the cards in the near future.

Went to MN in October and saw my sister and future niece/nephew in her belly!! Can't wait to meet he or she!! So exciting!

Hank is still not sleeping in his crib...but I think he's starting to get restless in the swing, ugh, and the worst part is I don't think i'm ready for him to sleep in his own room...I feel like I would always be worrying! When he's in the room with us I can hear his little snore and know that he's okay.

He's sitting up unassisted pretty well...almost figuring out crawling, but not getting anywhere, haha, we're going to have to baby proof everything soon, we haven't done ANYTHING! and I'm really worried we're going to have to get rid of most of our decorations in the living room, or else just put up a bunch of shelves to store everything on.

He's eating puree's, somedays he likes them, somedays he doesn't...eh, we'll see.

Anywho, here are some recent pictures...

Wearing Daddy's hat

Relaxing with daddy

Hank Voted

Sitting up!!

The babies I get to spend time with out at the zoo :-)

Lately...

So i've been watching what i'm eating and sloooowly but surely the pounds are -kind of- dropping off, i've lost about 8 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. It feels good, somedays i'm sooo over it and just want to eat a ton of junk food, but watching that scale go lower and being able to fit in clothes better makes it all worth it...

This is what I typically have for lunch...Salad with Artichoke hearts, tomatoes and italian dressing...What you don't see here is the mound of Croutons I put on top..hehe.

So excited to go visit my sister in about a week and a half...I hope that Hank travels well, and I hate that I feel such a goober because he sleeps in his swing, and it's going to be such a pain to figure out how to get it there and back...believe me, the last few weeks I have tried to get him to sleep EVERYWHERE...and he naps great anywhere, but when it comes to bedtime, forget about it...gah!!

Hanging out with grandma at the dog park...

Fell asleep holding his toes...

Close up

Mommy snuggle time..

13 weeks

Hank got his second set of shots last week, He hated it...We didn't rip the bandaids off this time, but he did get a fever, but it resolved with some tylenol. I'm not much in the mood for talking today, so i'll just upload some pictures...

It's not easy to say goodbye...

That Wynonna Judd song has been going through my head all day....Today is a weird weird day for me, Today I am just wasting time until taking Mateo in...He only has hours to live and he doesn't even know...It's so bizarre to me, I worked in a career that we euthanized animals all the time, I seemed numb to it..but to choose a day and time to legally -kill- something, is so strange. It sucks...It makes me feel like a horrible person, even though I know i've tried everything in my power..

All week i've tried to spoil him, which is hard because he doesn't really want to hang out with me...I've taken him on a few walks, played in the yard with him, fixed him some lettuce and treats in his breakfast this morning, It doesn't make it any less bizarre...

Anyway, I know wounds will heal with time, right now it just really sucks...

I'll love you forever Mateo...

Hi, My name is Chanda...(TMI)

And i'm a freaking medical anomaly.....First with the C-Diff and them not knowing why I keep getting it, constant re-occuring UTI's, and now this...I have a pelvic prolapse...Yes, it's just as bad as it sounds. Basically when I pushed Hank out, I pushed the rest of my organs out with him, OK...it wasn't as gross as it sounds. I happened over time, the last couple weeks I noticed something was out of place, low and behold when I looked down yonder something wasn't right. So I made an appointment with my OB/GYN and sure enough, things had dropped from where they were...He seemed pretty optimistic about it, since i'm young, but he did say it was alittle unusual since this is my first child and i'm so young (Freaking sound familiar??!!) So he sent me to this lady to do physical therapy and try to strengthen the muscles...

Sounds simple enough, like an easy solution...The lady was super nice, but she gave me horrible dooms-dayish news the entire time I was there! I'm sure she was trying to give me the worst case scenario kind of thing, but she basically told me I could NEVER go back to work being a Vet Tech, there was NO possible way I should be lifting -anything- She said even the vacuum up and down the stairs was off limits, and lifting hank once he got to be about two was OUT of the question...She said if I didn't follow these strict rules that I would have serious issues the rest of my life!! She said surgery could fix it, but only so much...See with Surgery, they'd be tacking tissue to tissue, and after time that tissue can stretch just like my muscles have, and i'd have this problem all over again!!!..

WHAT THE FRICK UNIVERSE??!! I'M ONLY 25 FREAKING YEARS OLD, ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

Seriously, I swear this past year anything and everything horrible has happened to me...UGH.

Being a responsible adult sucks...

So after the incident with Mateo I contacted two different dog trainers, and they both agree that at this point in Mateo's life, he cannot be 'corrected' with his aggression issues...Having a long bite history, and getting older is only going to make things worse.

I talked with another friend of mine who went through a similar thing last year with a German Shepard she had...It has helped alot talking to someone who can relate, but it is still the most heartbreaking thing I think i've ever dealt with...

Joel and I talked alot last night and we decided for the sake of our family and Mateo's own quality of life that euthanasia is the only solution...We laid in bed and cried together, and I hardly slept last night. I've been trying to think of some ways to spoil him these last couple days, but I can't because he doesn't want to be around me, which makes things even worse....

I talked to my exco-worker at the clinic and our county is under rabies quarantine right now, so she's checking on the details because I don't want his head cut off for tissue testing, So we're going to have to see if we need to wait ten days or not to be in the clear...but as soon as we know the details we're having it done...

This is one of the hardest decisions i've ever made, and I hope that I will realize it's the best thing for us and not regret it the rest of my life...